May 2012
2 posts
Flal's Guide to Abroad
So my time abroad is coming to an end, three weeks behind the rest of the Barcelona abroad population because Maryland refused to let us go to Barcelona through CEA (because it is considered a “party institution”) unless we did this special program in which we took Spanish classes at the University of Barcelona. Big mistake, huge. I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking. But I can honestly say, being...
Socially Acceptable JDate for College Students
It’s happened to me, and it’s I’m sure it’s happened to you. If not by choice, then automatically, probably by reading some article on Huffington Post Social about Kim and Kanye’s night on the town. Do you go with the group shot of the friends, your dog, or maybe a baby pic? Yes people, I am talking about Facebook Timeline. Maybe you think it’s big time old news...
April 2012
1 post
Ironic
I may or may not have previously mentioned the reality show my friends and I plan to star in called ”Six Chicks on Dick” (a name so cleverly chosen by yours truly based on the number of girls living in our house on Dickinson next year). From time to time (and by that I mean minimally four times a day) we mention “oh, if this were on the show….” or angrily shout in...
March 2012
3 posts
Shadow Days
I like to think I have the third strongest human immune system in the world, beat only by Michael Phelps and probably some other athlete whose name I don’t know because let’s be honest, I only learn athletes’ names when the reach celeb status and I’m pretty sure my immune system is stronger than Lamar’s, Kris Humphries’ and Reggie Bush’s. (Obviously my...
RNDG
It’s the last week of the spring break circuit and finally Maryland is IN DA BUILDING! And that building was Otto Zutz last night for Loco Lunes. Seeing as we are not Indiana or Arizona and the only school to share break with us is Towson (sometimes I can’t believe they are categorized with the aforementioned universities), I really didn’t think Otto Zutz would be overly crowded...
The Three Time Rule
The following is an actual conversation I had with a guy friend of mine in Barcelona (Yes, I have guy friends. Only from high school though, none from college. Working my way down the totem pole one Jewish organization at a time.)
Nameless Male Friend: Yo, what do you think of that girl over there?
Me: She’s dec, why?
NMF: Yeah…I fucked her. (I surround myself with the classiest of men)
Girl...
February 2012
2 posts
The Great Whites of Barca
So I guess my bitches and I are better travel agents than we thought. In the beginning of the abroad, we mapped out our weekend trips, haphazardly choosing when to go to Amsterdam, Prague, Florence, etc, etc. We wanted to pick the sceney weekends, but lezbihonest we aren’t the most sceney people in all of Barce. Case and point: we “Barce” instead of “Barca.” You know us…those girls who are in VIP...
Stop Trying to Make Pub Trans Happen
So in preparing to go abroad, one of the things everyone gets excited for is traveling. Upset you’re missing the scene in Barcelona because you went with Prague? Not to worry, you’ll be here the third weekend in February and vice versa. (Sucks to be Israel though. You’re kinda stuck. Better hope from some cuties or you’re gonna need to learn some Hebrew real good, real fast.) You get stressed...
January 2012
2 posts
Barcelona Butt Bumping
Being a total jack ass spaz moron, I clearly make a fool out of myself on a daily basis here- to Americans and Spanish people. It’s something I got used to years ago. My life is full of mortifying moments, oftentimes the keynotes of this blog, however experiencing them abroad is a bit more horrifying. Up until now they have been filled with the inability to communicate with cab drivers, assuming a...
Freshman Week of Abroad
Well, I have made it through the two and a half weeks of abroad and I am alive to tell the tale. It’s a struggle though. Every morning I wake up feeling like someone put a syringe in me and sucked out all the energy. I don’t get how these people live like this. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Barcelona is an amazing city. I already feel so immersed in the culture, besides the fact that I don’t...
December 2011
4 posts
Me and My Beats
Merry Christmas! As you should know by this point, my dad grew up on a farm in Iowa and we go there for Christmas every year in order to see the fam and also, I suspect, in an attempt by my father to “ground” me a bit. Too late, pops. My head is in the clouds and there’s not much you can do about it at this point. Christmas in Iowa gives me the opportunity to explore my inner...
Study Break in the Cafeteria
Typically, I spend my time socializing studying in the business school for the Greek scene and plush seats that are only meant to provide cushion for the tushes of business majors. (The communication school doesn’t have plush seats, because that would require us to have a school rather than random rooms scattered around the most inconvenient locations on campus. Ever curious why I’m always at the...
The Thing That Shouldn't Be A Thing
A year ago at this time, I was complaining to you guys about how everyone in my house judged me for not studying for finals. At that time though, I actually had a moderately difficult schedule. This year, things are going to be different. It’s just me and my roommate, Casey, locked in our room watching Friends With Benefits and choosing to spend our time studying the strategies Mila Kunis uses to...
The Invisible People
Oh, what a wonderful weekend in College Park it was. This past weekend was the fun filled weekend you’ve all been waiting for, which is away weekend weekend, the two to three days when the majority of Greek life funnels out of College Park and into small cabins located throughout Pennsylvania and the Virginias. The group consists of all frat guys, all non-Jewish sorority girls, and a small amount...
November 2011
2 posts
Eat Now, Eat More Later
Happy Bird Day everyone! As many of your probably know, Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday and, yes, it’s because of the food. Calories don’t count on Thanksgiving (or your birthday, or any of your friends’ birthdays, or on the weekend or on any night of Hannukah…) I do get pissed off though because although Thanksgiving is an unbelievable holiday with the best food, the best...
All By Myself
Let me start off by saying, I got left alone at Jew Glow last night in a sea of Alons, Jew Glow being a paint party of Jews (the only kind if paint part I’ll go to). That’s what happens when you attend one of these functions with only one other boyfriend-less person. Note to future Allison: bring at least one more single lady next time or you’ll probably end up with someone named...
October 2011
3 posts
Helloweek
Happy Halloweek everybody! Or should I say Helloweek? Kill myself. I’m just going to come out and say it. I, Allison Miszner, despise Halloween with every fiber of my measly existence. I hate costumes or dressing up of any sort. I dare any female to tell me that she enjoys a themed social because I know you don’t. For guys, you just need to show up shirtless and you suddenly fit into any...
The Rules of Facebook Friending
With my popularity growing exponentially, I am constantly bombarded with Facebook friend requests. (In reality, I get about one every two to three months from an unrecognizably foreign name with a question mark as a face in the University of Maryland network, but who’s counting?) With our Blackberrys and iPhones (Ew. Ask me if I’m bitter. Are you bitter? Yes. Not about the fact that my daddy won’t...
On the Ones and Twos
Now that I am home for the weekend, I have time to reflect on my strange and unusual life. How appropriate for the holiday. Yes, I am home for the Jewish holiday Yom Kippor, even though the only way I am actually acknowledging the holiday is by eating a bagel for dinner. Not even breaking the fast because that would require me to fast. Not so good with my low blood sugar. They should call the...
September 2011
3 posts
Old Men and Anorexics
Now that I’ve rid myself of 90 percent of my obligations, I have all the time in the world to rededicate myself to my blog at school. It’s been tough. For a while there I actually was tryina be an over achiever and then I realized the only thing that may possibly bring me success in life is this blog, so I better get on it. Yes, I must admit I did lose a bit of focus for a while since I’ve been...
Judge Judy: Music Edition
Why is it that snow is the only weather taken seriously by government and school officials? School is cancelled when there is half an inch of snow, but today it was a torrential downpour and the thought of canceling class isn’t even toyed with. Meanwhile, ALL my folders were destroyed and because I get the cheap paper ones (might as well have spent the extra 50 cents on the plastic Five Star...
Voice Crackin' and Hottie Lackin'
So classes have finally started and most of us have already had a week or two by this point. (I’ve had two days…no class Fridays. I’m not willing to sacrifice my opportunity to eat my way through College Park when everyone else is in class. I can’t tell you how good it feels to laugh in everyones’ faces when they are walking in the direction of campus and you are high tailing it on over to the...
August 2011
5 posts
Back From the Blackout
Hi everyone. I’m back from my black out, and I’m not talking about the black out caused by Irene. I’m talking about my weeklong blackout of pre-class partying at school I have been drinking myself into. I got here a week and a half before the start of classes just to celebrate my fifth semester at the University of Maryland. Five semesters…such a milestone right? Kind of like a 20th birthday or 12...
Re-Plan or Pluck
Those of you who know me know I have had an entourage since I was 11. My entourage is quite different than Vinny Chase’s, however. Unlike the wannabe crack addict (who, by the way, doesn’t seem to get much work of recent, yet still has awkwardly fake looking paparazzi following him at all times…word to Marky Mark Wahlberg: you need to make the paparazzi on your “Emmy Award winning” show look...
Singing in the Rain
So I guess all the youngsters are leaving camp today because it’s down pouring and it just seems like it always rains on the last day of camp. Now I have to deal with all the annoying little twerps in their slutty rolled over Juicy pants and tight ass sugar lips or basketball shorts and Baby Gap sized Nike Dunks at the diner. I liked it so much better when I didn’t have to worry about...
Survival of the Fittest
Americans have an obsession with coming in first with everything. Ok, I understand the desire to win in like a marathon. (I hate when marathoners “just want to finish.” Seriously, you’ve been training for this 26-mile run for months now, get a fucking competitive streak.) You all know the moral of the story…slow and steady wins the race. And like they warned us to control our drinking on spring...
Those Girls
When at a concert, does anyone else feel a certain kinship with your fellow concert goers? I know I certainly do. Especially when at a Backstreet Boys and New Kids On The Block concert. Apparently not everyone was on my page. Let me back up a little bit…
Last night I went to the NKOTBSB concert with my friends. Being a true child of the ’90s, I was ready to throw my bra on stage with...
July 2011
6 posts
Don't Hate, Integrate
Integration. It’s a problem. No, not the Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges kind. Although, this might be just as pressing as that. I truly think they were paving the way for the integration issue we have right now. That’s the social integration of bringing different groups of friends together. It happens all the time…mixing camp friends with home friends with school friends. We’re all Jews with mutual...
Back That Ass Up
I often reference my car, but you’ve never actually seen a picture of it. Well, here she is in all her glory. Isn’t she just a piece of shit? Yes, I typically ride around without a back windshield in the summer. It really creates for a nice cross breeze. Oh and the dent? I think it just adds character.
Want to know what actually happened? I backed up into a fucking 18-wheeler delivering...
Pearls and Pinot
For those of you who watched The Bachelorette last night… Today we’re answering the age-old question: JP v. Ames, which delves into the deeper issue JAP v. WASP? In this week’s episode, Bachelorette Ashley had the opportunity to visit her final four male suitors in their hometowns, creating the episode that makes the whole season worth watching…Hometown Dates! What tells a...
The Golden Rule
If I could be any kind of girl in the world, do you want to know what type of girl I would be? The kind of girl who never needs to untag a Facebook pic. Seriously, imagine how great life would be. You wouldn’t have to live your life with the stress of knowing that every time you get a FB alert on your phone you may or may not need to find the nearest computer to blow those tagged pictures up on...
Family Sized
So you know how in Mean Girls Regina George made her parents trade bedrooms with her so she would have the best room in the house? Yeah, that’s kind of like me. Except for the fact that I have the shittiest room in the house. When my sister was born my parents built an addition on to our house in hopes of bringing it from moderate at best to slightly above moderate in comparison to the over sized...
Hamptons Houseless
Happy 4th of July people! I need to start by posing the question that I took to my Twitter with, but what do you do when your son is at home cryin’ all alone …kidding (who doesn’t automatically think of that song after hearing “what would you do”)… when you wake up in a house that isn’t yours at 4:30 am? When you realllllly try to fall back asleep but...
June 2011
7 posts
When To Wave
So I was talking to my friend on the train this morning about an issue that I really think needs to be deeply dissected. With me being so in “the scene” (if you don’t know what the scene is, well then you’re definitely not in the scene), I see a ton of people on the train, in Penn Station, on the streets of NY, and so on and so forth. This is a problem for reasons other than the fact that I...
It's a Hard Knock Life, For Flal
I have been refraining from writing to all of you because after my grandiose and exaggerated declaration of impending fame last week, I have been too ashamed to share that I, shockingly, did not get an email from my new big shot movie friends to be an extra in their “low budget” horror film aka straight to DVD bust. Until…don don don…this morning when I got an email! Subject: Extras...
Train Troubles
Today was quite possibly the strangest day of my life. Stranger than the time I got a nose bleed in the tanning booth. It was just one of those days, and this is going to be one of those posts.
So I got to work at 10 am, thirty minutes earlier than my usual casual 10:30 start. Despite the fact that I forgot left my iPod in my father’s “commuting” car that was already parked at...
Buy Them The Briefcase
I read a very inspiration quote the other day that I’d like to share with all of you. ”I am not a bitch, I am the bitch, and to you I am Ms. Bitch.” You get that people? I’m Allison Flal “Ms. Bitch” Miszner to all of you from now on, so I don’t want to be called ANYTHING else. Ya hear?
All kidding aside, I have a totally real issue to discuss today...
Flaltasy
Ok so I don’t know if any of ya’ll watch Scrubs, but it’s like one of my favorite shows, not just because it is highlarious, but also because I, like main character JD, live it a wildly vivid fantasy world. And now that I have all this extra “me” time riding the train to work 3x a week (tough life right?), I really get to fall into my very own flaltasy world.
...
Slaughter
Good evening everyone. I hope all is well. I’ve spent the past few days out of commission because I had to prepare for my first day of real work tomorrow! You know, shopping at work appro places such as Banana Republic (verses the usual Urban…way to street chique for a young profesh like myself) and using those opportunities to weasel more “going out clothes” out of my...
Violators Will Be Towed at Owner's Expense
Happy post-Memorial Day everybody! Now you can all finally stop breaking one fashion law I personally believe that all should live by- no white pants before Memorial Day or after Labor Day. (Trust me, I don’t follow many. For example, to me “black and blue should never be seen unless they’re in the washing machine” means “always wear black and dark blue together, even...
May 2011
5 posts
What the Wisdom?
So I decided to try this new diet right before Memorial Day. It’s this new fad type diet called Wisdom Teeth Removal. Ok, yes I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed yesterday and I have to say I feel absolutely fine except for the bloody drool stains on my sheets. EW! I’m not like tryina go out to a steak dinner at Bryant and Cooper, but I damn sure don’t feel like WebMD...
iNoFuckingWay
I feel like I’m always behind the trend. No, I’m not talking about the falsely-ripped-band-tee-off-the-shoulder-shirt-that-makes-me-seem-cool-for-liking-classic-rock-even-though-I-don’t-know-one-Pink-Floyd-song trend (I’m all about that trend. Anything that makes me seem cooler than I am…) or “The Voice” vs. “Idol” trend (I’m telling you...
1 Movie and a Funeral
What a lovely three days it’s been at home. I don’t miss college at all. Who wants to go to a frat party when you can see a Friday matinee movie with the Senior Citizen Home of Port Washington? Seriously, I’m pretty sure there was a fucking field trip. And what did they take them to see? Bridesmaids.
Yes. I went to a 4:00 movie. So sue me. I know that afternoon movies are...
Commune University
What a long strange trip it’s been, my sophomore year in College Park. Yes, folks another year of school has come and gone and I have returned to my home skilletz in Port Washington, tearfully bidding another wasted year of my life adieu. Fare the well underclassman years! You have been very kind, yet far from gentle to my physically and mentally self-abused body in taking it above and...
It's an Actual White House
I’m kind of freaking out. My last weekend of sophomore year has basically passed and it was a drunk one I must say. Why did no one tell me that while being the best years of your life, your college years fly by like geese migrating south for the winter- big, fat, and fast. Never will the day come in which I am sick of day drinks, night drinks, late afternoon drinks… just drinks in...
April 2011
6 posts
British Love and Loss
Welcome to Flal’s First Annual Weekend of British Love and Loss everybody! (The love happening for every Brit in America….well that doesn’t make much sense, and the loss happening in my heart). This weekend consists of 36 hours of pure self loathing, beginning with 24 hours of Royal Wedding coverage, followed by a tearful viewing of Love Actually, and...
They Try to Make Me Go to Rehab
Disclaimer: I will be checking in to The Betty Ford Center clad with rehabilitating stars (aka Lindsay Lohan), like myself, tomorrow morning. Had a great time at formal last night! Hope nobody missed my multiple wipe outs by the buffet (duh).
Well now that that’s over, Happy Passover everyone! This doesn’t really mean much for me except that I get to eat matzo balls with my bagels...
#STOP!
I’ve just landed into the next decade of my life #sweet! Yes, I am 20 today and if I could ask anything of my fans and followers it would be that you all “Like” me on Facebook. The link is http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bitches-Hoarding-Bagels/162093310516137?ref=ts or you can just type “Bitches Hoarding Bagels” into Facebook. I’m the only page of that name....
Brava
It’s Greek Week errbody! With the progressing week, my stomach is continuously expanding from all the…. athletic activities I’ve been participating in. I do love me some ULTIMATE frisbee, and I die for tug-of-war so watch out at Olympics tomorrow. I’ll be the big one anchoring the back of my team standing in the rope loop. Yeahhhh buddy.
I decided it was appropriate to...
Bitches/Babies In The Back
Before I start this post, I just want to share what I sent out on my sorority listserv last night (www.listerservsfromlastnight.com coming soon): April 6, 2011 2:13 AM Ok hi I’m cold and I think I has something to di with charles sheeb #winning. Translation: I was cold and thought it had something to do with Charles, not Charlie, Sheen. Spelling issues aside, someone please tell me why...